Why must we ruin everything?!

I just watched the new FFXIII English trailer. I really wish I hadn't. I'm trying to figure out what sort of dialogue at Squenix resulted in such a travesty. I think we can all agree, it would have been something like this:

"Okay, we need a new trailer for Final Fantasy 13."

"Agreed."

"I think we can also agree that the game's looking great, and our previous trailers have been pretty badass."

"So what's our target audience?”

“Well, I think that 15 year old emo kids are the way to go. They clearly have the most invested in our 22 year old franchise.”

“Huh.”

“So you see our problem here.”

“Yeah. Badass-ness is very threatening to our target audience.”

“We are really going to have to put out heads together people. There’s been a lot of talk about innovative game play, high production values, and deep stories that just aren’t going to jive with our target group. This trailer has to dispel all of those myths. Now I’m open to suggestions here.”

“We… um… could maybe hire some really terrible voice actors?”

“That’s a good start, but they are going have to be pretty awful.”

“Ooo! The characters can spend most of the time talking about their feelings and how hard done by they are!”

“This is good, keep these ideas coming people!”

“Get them to overact everything!”

“Make one of them an African American stereotype!”

“A surprise Villain with an Australian accent! I’m sure that’s never been done!”

“YES! YES people!”

“OOoo I’ve got it! What do emo kids love the most?!”

“Themselves?”

“Wasting their talents?”

“Nothing?”

“Razor Blades?”

“NO! It’s suffering!”

“Oh yeah, the suffering, they love that.”

“So why don’t we set the trailer to some horrible pop music that’s completely inappropriate to the setting?!”

“Genius.”

*relaxed sighs*

“I knew I count on you guys.”

“I’m starting to feel successful already!”