Don't Phear the Beaver

Why must we ruin everything?!

2009-10-17T11:48:00.001+01:00

I just watched the new FFXIII English trailer. I really wish I hadn't. I'm trying to figure out what sort of dialogue at Squenix resulted in such a travesty. I think we can all agree, it would have been something like this:

"Okay, we need a new trailer for Final Fantasy 13."

"Agreed."

"I think we can also agree that the game's looking great, and our previous trailers have been pretty badass."

"So what's our target audience?”

“Well, I think that 15 year old emo kids are the way to go. They clearly have the most invested in our 22 year old franchise.”

“Huh.”

“So you see our problem here.”

“Yeah. Badass-ness is very threatening to our target audience.”

“We are really going to have to put out heads together people. There’s been a lot of talk about innovative game play, high production values, and deep stories that just aren’t going to jive with our target group. This trailer has to dispel all of those myths. Now I’m open to suggestions here.”

“We… um… could maybe hire some really terrible voice actors?”

“That’s a good start, but they are going have to be pretty awful.”

“Ooo! The characters can spend most of the time talking about their feelings and how hard done by they are!”

“This is good, keep these ideas coming people!”

“Get them to overact everything!”

“Make one of them an African American stereotype!”

“A surprise Villain with an Australian accent! I’m sure that’s never been done!”

“YES! YES people!”

“OOoo I’ve got it! What do emo kids love the most?!”

“Themselves?”

“Wasting their talents?”

“Nothing?”

“Razor Blades?”

“NO! It’s suffering!”

“Oh yeah, the suffering, they love that.”

“So why don’t we set the trailer to some horrible pop music that’s completely inappropriate to the setting?!”

“Genius.”

*relaxed sighs*

“I knew I count on you guys.”

“I’m starting to feel successful already!”

Clear! Clear! I've got a pulse!

2009-04-19T11:12:00.003+01:00

It's been a while. I could talk about why I've been AWOL for so long, but that's a rather dull story, and I doubt the two of you who read my blog want to hear about yet another dirigible escape.

I should probably tell you a little about myself since it's been so long since my last post. Kirsten and I are still in Cambridge. I still work for the University, and the Cambridge University Development Office. I'm still on the Database Team. So really, not much has changed.

I turned 30 not to long ago. People will tell you that 30's just a number. They'll also say that clowns aren't scary, and that they don't watch porn cause it's "silly". In other words, they're full of shit. 30 hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel different. Parts of me are starting to creak. Pwning bitches is a lot harder now. I'm starting to think how the kids today are out of control.

And your loved ones... well that's all changed too:

Typical phone call as a 20 something from loved ones: "Hi Kevin! I'm calling to tell you that you are super duper and not at all disappointing to me in the slightest!"

Typical phone call when you are 30 more like: "BABIES! Where are the FUCKING BABIES? This shit's not even funny anymore! What are you?!? Sterile!?!? IMPOTENT!!?! RAHHAGGHAHAG!"

Sadly, the only advice I can give you is something my father in law told me. "Kevin" he said, "Don't get old". And of course, I was too young and foolish to follow his advice.

PSA, anime style.

2007-08-30T19:58:00.000+01:00

Okie.

I'm back in Cambridge, and I have the interweb again. All is well.

Now, my boy Cibunanoniny has kindly posted a Public Service Announcement (or PSA), about how to fight off zombies. Useful stuff. And not one of you fuckers had the kindness to thank him. But so it goes. Heroes are rarely recognised in their time.

So even though Cibunoanoa has mightily presented his digital nipple of knowledge, and you have collectively sucked it dry, I still feel the need to step forward. Yes, I am here to add to your survivalist knowledge - on how to survive, in an anime. (Not in a amine. If you are stuck in an amine, you are royally fucked.)

The wife and I have seen a lot of anime. Kirsten has seen a large number of series, and I've seen a few too. Some of the ones I've watched have had like no pr0n what-so-ever. Really. But I digress. Here is your 10 point plan to surviving in the anime world.

1. Don't fuck with orphans. They be nasty. On a side note, if your parents die while in an anime, it'll be sad. But you'll get some really cool powers in the end.

2. Giant robots. Nasty as hell, but for some reason they can only be piloted by angst riddled teenagers.

3. The really hot but emotionally distant person who is "showing you the ropes" will hit on you. You have been forewarned. Intercourse may be your only option.

4. The big movers and shakers of the world will be teenagers. 15 is the key age. 18 if they are a veteran of several wars. Bring in the orphan factor and they are scary.

5. If you go to school, it will be attacked. Constantly. One of your teachers is probably helping out. Fuckers.

6. Bringing large over sized weaponry to school is accepted, and even encouraged. Kissing a classmate of the opposite sex will cause a great scandal, however.

7. Talking cats. Cats talk. And they know fucking everything.

8. Women with large breasts are important characters. Pay attention.

9. Scream. A lot. When fighting, running, talking or doing your homework. It's important that you fit in.

10. No matter how Japanese people are, there's always a blonde girl. And a redhead. They will be important. Doubly so if #8 applies. Or if they they are orphans. Intercourse may be your only option.

Now listen. I don't expect much praise for this. It comforts me to know that when the time comes, you'll all be thanking my ass off. It's enough to call me Heroic right now. Or Hero Beav. or Beavero. Go with what comes naturally to you.

Thank you, and be safe.

It's been crazy..

2007-07-22T12:43:00.000+01:00

But I think the wife and I have everything sorted. Moving out. Moving in. Jobs. Money. Causing woe to our enemies.

That's neither here nor there. This is just a quick post to let the blogosphere, nay, the world know that we will be back in Canada for 3 weeks staring Tuesday July 24. It has something with Visas, and not getting deported from England. Or being jailed and beaten.

PS sorry about using the word blogosphere.

On getting old...er

2007-05-01T18:52:00.000+01:00

As time seems ever so quickly fly by, I'm starting to notice my own age. Yes I know. I'm only 28 years old. I don't know old. Heck, if you are middle aged and reading this, you are probably thinking that this whipper-snapper doesn't know the first thing about old.

And yet, even I notice a grey hair or three, a dodgy knee, and less and less energy. I see all the new students around college; they look like babies to me. And I still likely have a good half century to go before I'm destined for my good long dirt nap.

So why am I complaining? Fuck, who’s complaining?

I can't wait to get old. I'm seeing a lot of upsides, and not a lot of downsides.

Kevin's not exhaustive list of future old man powers:

1: The ability to sleep anywhere.

Man, I'm waiting for this one. I have trouble getting to sleep sometimes as is, but the ability to just sit down and fall asleep? Fantastic. I'm going to try to hone this skill so that when the time comes, I can fall asleep mid-conversation or mid bad-movie. The best part is no one will be able to get pissy with me about it. I'll be old!

2: Forgetting shit.

Hell, I don't know why this is the exclusive domain of the elderly. I forget shit all the time. Keys, Wallets, what country I'm in, what side of the road cars come from, etc. If I'm wearing pants, it's a good day, people. But once I'm in old man mode, watch out. I'll still forget shit, but there won't be anything people will be able to do about it. I'll just say "Oops, senior moment", and with a casual wave of my hand, absolve myself of any responsibility, and you'll still have an image of my withered old junk burned into your mind.

3: Wisdom.

I don't have it now, and I don't think I'll have it then. But everyone will think I do. Yup, I'll sit around, tell some story about me that likely never happened, and say "Think about it". And you'll nod your head, and think I said something profound. But in reality I won't know what I said, who you are, or what the hell I'm doing there.

4: Old man emails.
Like 32 point bold ARIAL with hot pink?
Well, you'd better learn to love it. I can't read anything else, and everything I'm sending out has it. Yup, I'll use emails too. Not that mind-mail crap or whatever you future lamerz will use. I'll alternate between crazy far-right and far-left political views and contradict myself constantly. And I'll fire off those sappy emails about "what you can learn from your dog" and the like. And you get lots and lots of em’ because...

5: Retirement.

Do I really need to say anymore? I won’t be working! Of course, my work will have been better than anything these young punks can do nowadays. Back in my day, we had to do shit with a stupid computer I tells ya! We worked for a living! Not like nowadays, where the cyborg aliens and the hover-bots do everything for us.

Well, I think it’s safe to say the future looks bright. Unless of course, there’s some kind of apocalypse, which would be kind of lame.

Of course, given that Kirsten and I both have jobs in Cambridge lined up and are both likely to be here for a while, “Bright” maybe slightly off. “Cloudy” is perhaps more like it.

I shall leave you to your knitting then.

PS: Ahh, Grampa Simpson. I couldn't have said it better. My favorite:

Brockman: "Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf."

Grampa: "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"

Lame shit I've been up to

2007-04-12T20:10:00.000+01:00

I'm been watching a lot of anime lately. This is not the same as watching amines. They are totally different.

My new favorite has to be Full Metal Alchemist.

It's a rather popular anime series, and with good reason. It's 51 episodes long, and they are fucking awesome.

The two main characters are the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse, who both practice something called "Alchemy". It's basically the ability to transmute matter into other things, and is seen as the "science" of this world.

The story beings with Edward and Alphonse (or Al, for short), basically messing around with Alchemy in a way they really really shouldn't have. It costs Ed his leg and arm, and Al his entire body; he is forced to exist henceforth as an empty suit of armor.

Anyway, I could talk about the many themes (It's a Square-Enix production, so don't expect war and religion to get off lightly), the cool characters, the battle scenes and the humorous elements, but you should just go see it for yourself.

*cough* *cough* Dailymotion *cough*

Oh, and watch the Subbed version. Voice acting in this case is best left to the Japanese. Actually, a lot of things are best left to the Japanese. But that's a discussion for another day.

You find a place to feed your greed, and I'll find a place to rest.

Things to do when you are flat on your back. The PG version

2007-03-27T22:10:00.000+01:00

I thought I was going to dodge this flu that everyone else had. I really really did. Everyone else got it, and yet I somehow seemed immune. This surprised me, for Constitution has always been my dump stat. I figured that since I manage to catch every cold and flu their is, was or ever will be, perhaps my immune system finally figured it out. No matter how nice the disease is dressed, or how much it sweet talks you, or how many flowers it has, you shouldn't let it in. Alas no. Stupid body.

The funny thing was, I knew right when I got this flu what the symptoms would be. I'd seen everyone else get it, so I knew I was fucked from the get go. So I did what everyone does when they know they are going to be sick for a while. I ordered a DS game. No sense being immobile and bored.

I've had an eye on Puzzle Quest for a while now. It seemed like a bit of an odd duck. I mean, sure, you have the character generation, the item generation, turn based combat, and the generic story. Pretty standard RPG stuff, right? But Puzzle Quest breaks the standard RPG mould in an interesting way. Everything you do: combat, item creation, training mounts, capturing monsters and such is done with a Bejeweled grid.

Wait a minute, you haven't heard of Bejeweled?

Go get the wooden object you no doubt used for my last post. Smack yourself again.

For the record. I don't enjoy doing this to you.

Anyway, this game could have gone wrong in so many ways. But it works. It's fun. The presentation for the DS isn't great, and the story's a bit meh, and it's fucking hard sometimes, but it's still a lot of fun. So if you looking for an RPG that's a bit different, give it a shot. It's out for DS, PSP and soon for the PC. And there's even a demo.

And if you are having trouble getting it, just order online. No need to kill anyone.

Loathing

2007-03-16T17:54:00.000Z

Yes, I know I have posted about it before, but everyone needs to play Kingdom of Loathing. It's a silly, fun, online RPG that's surprisingly challenging. It's also more than a bit Canadian. Which doesn't hurt. Just stay away from the goofballs.

I've also been playing a little game called: UFO Afterlight. It's a spiritual sequel to the much beloved and fucking awesome X:Com. Now, if you don't know what X:Com is, or was, stop reading right now. Go get something big and wooden, and smack yourself with it. Hurts, doesn't it? Well, that's what you get. Geez. Double whammy for not stopping when I told you.

For the rest of us, I assume that we are all looking for something to fill that void. Messed up aliens. Disposable soldiers. Base building. Dark corners. Hover tanks.

Thus, you should ask: is Afterlight it?

Well, almost.

It's torturous, because while Afterlight is a good game, and gets close to scratching the X:Com itch, it just isn't there. It's painful at times, because you know that with a bit more love, you'd be playing it for hours on end in your underoos. But as it is, Afterlight is simply good.

So maybe give the demo a try, and let me know what you think. But man, isn't it about fucking time that someone steps up and make the X:Com game that we all want to play? Isn't it!?

Other than that, I've been very lame. Thank you and good night.

Some good advice

2007-02-24T10:32:00.000Z

Don't fuck giant scorpions!

Play good free gamez! (try chicken vs road)

It's been while since my last post. Jobs tend to consume a lot of your life. But they also tend to give you money, which is a medium of exchange for goods and services. Since I'm a big fan of both goods and services, I must continue to work. I'll try not to let the blog suffer in the meantime.

So I rencently went up to Leeds to see Carl and Allision, who like me and the wife, were forced to flee Canada for our radical political beliefs. It was a damn good time. Leeds is a cool place for numerous reasons: I've always liked the blend of a old-school city with a touch of modern flavour. The best of both worlds.

And they have cheap clothes.

Sadly, this is all that's fit to blog about. Unless you really really want to hear about my level 10 Warmage. And I'm sure you don't.

I'm employed

2007-02-01T20:42:00.000Z

Just wanted to let the wonderful world out there know that I now have a job, and am rather content. The people seem nice, the pay is good, and the job is pretty sweet. So I'm happy. End of story. For now.

Cibby's not the only one who can get down

2007-01-29T18:09:00.000Z

As per Cibbuano's suggestion.

Now click on it and let's get freaky.

Fantastic.

2007-01-20T17:53:00.000Z

Well, it had to happen.

Our mighty group of 6 investigators fell to Yog-Sothoth. Bitch.

For those of you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, my Cambridge friends and I were playing a board game: Arkham Horror. And we all lost. That's right. No-one won. Or perhaps you could say that the game won. The little bits of cardboard that reside in a box beat the living shit out of 6 healthy, competent individuals.

I've never felt so violated.

But, all in all, AH is a cool board game. Blight has a nice overview of it as well, from when we played back in Canada. We fared much better then.

Here's another gem I found on the interweb, that is also, fantastic.

I really don't know where to begin. This is (allegedly) from a NRA graphic novel that was leaked.

I'm just trying to figure out what my favourite thing about this image is.

It's really a toss-up between the bomb carrying barn owl and the cooked, somehow still alive, angry lobster. This, my friends, is priceless.

In the NRA's defence though, if upset, unshaved hippies were able to summon the forces of nature to stir up shit, you'd need some pretty big guns.

Maybe they will teach me their ways. I have tried a number of times to harness the raw power of my mother in law's papillons. You know, commanding them to be my tiny minions of vengeful justice. But yeah, nothin'. Harumph.

Well, if we truly live in an age of fear, there's anyways this guy.

Now I could object to the laser pointer on the head being a great target, or the ineffectualness of articulated body armour (I did marry a materials scientist, folks). My objection lies with the style. We just aren't there. Now I know nothing says subjugation like having a bunch of storm troopers on the ground. But we don't have the hover cars, the jet packs, let alone the 50 foot kill-bots (someday, I hope. Someday). Thus, we can't go wearing 22th century gear when we are clearly stuck in the 21st.

There, I'm glad we got that settled. And now, some pie.

I'd better post before someone gets hurt.

2007-01-12T11:20:00.000Z

So I’m back in Cambridge again. And I got some phat lewt back in ol' Canada. After living in England for 3 years, things in Canada seem damn cheap. So I consumed. And then consumed some more. I devoured everything and anything I could find: movies, video games, booze, steak, MP3 players, hockey games, pets. I bombarded my senses, until they could take no more.

I learned quite a few things on my journey.

1. Hamilton is actually a nice town. It’s not the horrible cesspool of crime, corruption and wanton sex that I thought it might be. The people there were friendly, the housing prices are reasonable, and I found 3 geek stores nestled away on a quiet street (a comic/collectables store, a boardgame/RPG store and a used video game store), which really clinched it for me.

2. My parents will always own a better game system than I will. They do it just to spite me. They are getting a Wii to keep their Xbox 360 company. And while I was there, they bought a DS Lite. 2 of em’. Then they mocked my clunky, old DS and threw turnips at me.

3. The Wife will never understand my family. We were all sitting around, playing a game of hearts on our collective DS’s, and The Wife pipes up:

“Can’t you guys just play that with a deck of cards?”

My parents and I gave her a collective, confused, blank stare. I then drew a crude, mocking picture of The Wife on my DS with my stylus, and sent it to my parents wirelessly. We all had a good laugh, and then my mom dropped the queen on me.

4. Streaking on New Years is a great way to meet the neighbours. If you were there, you know what I’m taking about. If you weren’t, I’m not going to talk about it.

5. Drinking a Guinness as your last beer really helps with the hangover the next day. Case in point: New Years Day. Me = fine. Everyone Else = Norwalk Virus.

6. Arkham Horror is a really cool board game. If you know the rules, that is.

Anyway, I had a really nice time back in Canada. It won’t be long until I’m back for good (I think).

Until then, my fellow Canadians.

Silly Hats Only

2006-12-07T22:49:00.000Z

I have recently discovered Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected.

It is a rather good animated short. And yes, I know it's been around for a while, and yes, I should have heard about it by now, and yes, I do enjoy going through life with my head trapped in my anus.

I think the best part of anything that has the absurd humor of Rejected is it's divisiveness. You either love it, or you hate it. Of course, people who hate it probably drive a nice comfortable 10 km below the speed limit, don't like tomato sauce cause it's too spicy, and they really, really don't like the looks of those teenagers.

But I digress.

I shall be returning to Canada on the 13th of December, and shall be in Edmonton (or near it) from the 19th until the 6th of January. This is a good thing, as my lack of a job, and my (occasional) solitude have driven me a bit nutty. My fellow Canadians will no doubt deal with this in the best way possible.

Did I mention that I'm the Queen of France? Cool, eh?

Things that are pretty good, even if they are bad

2006-12-02T23:35:00.000Z

You know, like pizza, or intercourse.

I had hoped to add anime to that list, but I recently consumed a particularly bad series. Get Backers is not what I would call "good". The "Get Backers" do not get back at people, as their name might suggest, but rather they get things back, which is hardly the stuff of epic anime action.

I only managed 2 episodes before I had to send it back, and there were some laughably bad scenes. How many times can you hear about someone's "200 kg force grip" and not burst out in hysterics? There may have been something there if the series was trying to be funny.

Alas, the creative genius who came up with this "vision" no doubt did so during a 2 second interlude while sitting on the toilet and sucking on a horseshoe. Not good.

The Wife and I were left hungry. Our anime needs had not been fulfilled.

The Wife then remembered the anime series "Noir". Blight suggested it. I was a bit skeptical at first, as this new series would have to deal with some tough competition, namely Cowboy Bebop and Witch Hunter Robin. Oh an RahXephon too, if I ever finish it and/or figure out what the hell is going on.

In spite of all that, I think Noir could become my favorite anime series. It truly is awesome. It stars two female assassins, one of whom has lost her memory. She holds a pocket watch, which seems to hold the key to both of their pasts.

I like this series because the two women are killers, plain and simple. They aren't killers with a "heart of gold", or misunderstood women who need to "get a man". They kill people. They do so in a very cool manner. And they don't shed a lot of tears doing it.

I absolutely love the music in this series as well.

Anyway, If you want to check this series out, you can do so on YouTube.

And kiss the sky, you magnificent unworthy bastard.

The little things that kill (me)

2006-11-27T21:12:00.000Z

Wrongness.

I don't know who's heard about this, but the idea that fast-food companies, or indeed ANY company that develops a game solely to advertise their product is just plain evil.

And I'm not talking about the sort of evil that's kinda evil, but still fairly cool. You know, like selling your soul to the devil for cool powers. Or selling your soul for some hot demoness lovin'. Or Nale hitting on Haley in the OOTS comic. All good stuff, if a bit evil.

No, advergames are a type of evil that's more in tune with like say, building a wall out of people. Or cooking kittens. Or watching Desperate Housewives. You know, the irredeemable kind. (Ok, I might be able to forgive the first two.)

I might ask who in their right minds would buy such a game, but we all know the answer to that one. And, let's face it. They are only $4.00 US a pop. Will this be a trend for the future?

Sometimes, I wake up screaming.

As if that wasn't enough, another thing has been bugging me lately. Last Friday, there was an event that I may have objected to. Every once in a while, our college undergrads (and some graduates) sell their "services" for charity. On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Some people in college are undeniably talented, and their services would be in great demand. Who wouldn't want the services of a talented pastry chef for a day? A artist to paint one's portrait? A computer technician to reverse the damage done to one's computer after downloading bales and bales of pornography? Indeed, such a thing would have been laudable.

The "slaves" however (their words, not mine), would be performing more mundane tasks, such as washing dishes, doing laundry etc.

Their "skills" were advertised in a different way.

To this date, I have no idea what dancing around in one's ginch has to do with one's dish doing ability.

I did point out that I though such a thing might be inappropriate, since it is in a college common area and very sexuallized. I also couldn't help pointing out that if there had been any women 'sold' in this event (instead of just men), we might have been able to build some new student accommodations with the number of bricks that would have been shitted. I therefore questioned the wisdom of having such an event in its current location.

A few things were said in response.

"You're such a prude!"
"It's all for charity!"
"There just going to wash dishes and stuff."
"Where's your college spirit?"
"Throwing around that dry-ice filled pop-bottle might not be such a good idea." *Explosion* "Oh shit! Campus Security! Run fucker! RUN!"

Ok, That last one might have been from something else. But I hope my point has been made.

So, I must ask you, the reader. Do I have a point here? Or am I simply nuts, and will have to accept the presence of Sergeant Skidmark on the way to my beloved MCR watering hole?

The Beav knows too much...

2006-11-22T15:15:00.000Z

Well, the beards coming along. It'll probably need a few more weeks before it starts feeling like a part of me.

Haven't been up to too much lately. I was kinda hoping to be working right now, but that hasn't been in the cards. Thus my list of accomplishments is somewhat small:

1. Grew a beard
2. Became a Pastafarian
3. Maybe played one or two video games
4. Eluded the Man

Just watched Grizzly Man, which is a interesting documentary on a documentary. It couldn't just be a plain old documentary, cause the guy who made it was eaten by a bear. Of course, Treadwell spent every summer for 13 years with grizzly bears, and for 12 of those he didn't get eaten. Which is pretty good in my book. In any event, it's an amazing movie, and really does show why someone would consider rejecting civilization for the "bear" world.

It reminds me of a time when I was perhaps too curious for my own good.

It happened not too long ago, in an English Pub not far from here. Granted, if you are Canadian, you might say that all English Pubs are not far from Cambridge, given that England is a relatively small country. Fine, smart ass.

Anyway, it was a rowing event, and I was talking to boaties (rowers), both past and present. So I taking to (not chatting up) a female ex-rower.

"So what do you do in Cambridge?" I ask.

"Well, I work as an analyst." She replied.

"An analyst? What do you analyze?"

"Nothing. It's sorta boring."

"Well, I was in computing for a while, it's gotta be more interesting than that."

"Well, I analyze information for MI5. So what do you do again?"

"Wait, MI5, Like the intelligence agency? That's not boring! That's freaking cool!"

"Nah, it's really boring. What do you do again? Something with computers?" She was really trying to change the topic, and looking uncomfortable.

"I do things to books. It's lame. Tell me about your job again!" I had a couple pints of enthusiasm in me at this point, and was choosing to ignore the clear signals.

"Look, I can't talk about it." As this point, I get a look. It's a proper "Fuck off. I already told you it's boring work. Leave it alone, or I'll hurt you" look.

At this point I'm a bit scared, and I'm looking around for the ninja/sniper who's going to take me out. "Ok." I meekly slink off to get another pint, and to talk to people who might not hurt me.

In any event, I heard later on that if one expresses too much interest in the work of an intelligence agent, they may have to write up a contact report. I'd like to think there's a report about me that's sitting in a filing cabinet in MI5 headquarters. And I think it might go something like this:

Subject Name: Kevin Sporns

Nationality: Dutch?

Reason for report: Being a dick in a pub. And now I have to write this stupid report.

Threat Level: Banana

The most important decision a man ever makes...

2006-11-08T16:50:00.000Z

Of course, if I could grow something like this, my decision would have been easy.

I think the decision to have a beard or not is a damn important one. More important than voting, religion, and the decision to go to war combined. But alas, there is no forum for the important decision, and no easy answer.

Mine is a true dilemma, as I have both a baby face (i'm 28, and still get ID'd) and my beard comes in patchy. The lesser of 2 evils was always a goatee, confining my facial hair growth to the strongest region of my face. Of course, this was unacceptable to the Wife, and since the Wife and I have a number of mutual defense pacts and very strong trade relations, the Wife has quite a bit of influence with the council of elders that govern the sovereign nation of the Beav. Thus, until recently, I have been a clean-shaven sissy boy.

However, of late there has been another proposal that the Wife has been pushing. A full beard. Yup, it's either a full on, patchy beard, or nothing at all.

So here I am. About day 6, and the beards a bit - well, not that great. I was hoping the Wife would cave in, and ask me to shave it off, but she loves it. She has continued to produce apple turnovers, as per our trade agreement, so diplomatic options that will remove the beard are limited.

I think the beard's here to stay. I'm hoping that with time, the length of the beard will compensate for the lack of follicle activity in the border regions, which is the same vain hope that leads to terrible comb-overs.

Alternatively, a strong resolution from the international community may sway opinions of either the Wife or myself.

I'll try to get a picture, if anyone has strong opinions.

Slumberland

2006-11-03T18:19:00.000Z

Well, still in limbo right now, but I'm taking the net's wisdom, and planning on working on an artsy project. I can't tell you what it is (its still in the concept stage). What I can tell you is that I will be hunting down others to assist me in various ways. Sorry to be nebulous, but, hey, that's me.

I'm also still on the job search, but not progressing the way I want it to. Damn you Wind Waker with your varied and addictive gameplay!

On a side note, I've been sleeping a lot. First: some background. I have l337 sleeping skillz. Therefore, my dreams are pretty in depth.

I dream in colour.
People sing songs in my dreams. I can sing them later, when I wake up.
There are plots, and sub-plots.
I feel pain in my dreams.
I sometimes dream lucidly, but not all the time.
I have a re-occuring dream about high school. I'd really, really like to stop having that one.

Oh, and by the way: The whole "If you die in your dream, you die in real life" is BS. I die all the time in my dreams. Sometimes, my dream starts out that way.

When I was sick, my dreams were pretty awful. One dream had me buried alive under a pile of writhing worms. In another dream, I was Sparticus, and was being tortured to death. Not fun.

Lately, my dreams have been better. One of my latest had me as a jet-pack racing champion. Score!

On a side note, some dreams have been um, how do I say, more "interesting" in nature. I must admit, I'm a bit surprised at some of the women my subconcious trucks out for my dreamscape adventures. Let's just say the ol' brain can surprise me from time to time. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit vague. Sometimes it's the wife, sometimes it's someone else. Women. Not relatives.

Thank you for paying attention for this long. As a reward, please enjoy this clip of Borat teaching Texans how to sing a Anti-Semitic country song. What a guy.

Choose yer own Beavah.

2006-10-14T14:34:00.000+01:00

Well, 3 weeks of feeling rotten, but I'm all better now. Tests came back negative.

No mono/glandular fever.

No Hep A, B, C, D or E.

And in spite of my best efforts, my liver is working fine.

So, what was wrong with me? Who knows. I think most people have agreed that I'm just a big, sissy baby.

But now I am at a crossroads.

Because of my illness, I am no longer working at the place I was temping. They left me with a great reference, but I'm technically unemployed again.

So I've decided to rip off Derelict (name TBC) and Lobo, and harvest the vast bounty of the Interweb's wisdom. That's right. A poll to decide what the hell I should do with my life.

1. Stay temping. The temping agency will find me another job. Soon. They are that good. The job will no doubt be decent, and fairly well paying, and good experience. Staying with them is a decent "safe" option.

2. Go back to the University Library. I miss the UL. The people I worked with are great. I saw a whole group of em yesterday, and man, I miss em. I miss giving people blank stares. Anyway, another viable option.

3. Try and find a real IT job. Tried this before, and it wasn't easy. It might be easier now that I have done some work on databases, but I still predict this would be frustrating as hell. Of course, if it did work out, I'd actually be doing something I was trained to do. Huh.

4. Be a Spornstar. Yeah. Make pr0n. The wife wanted me to put this option up. I don't know why. Frankly, I'm a little worried. Maybe taking care of me these past few weeks has make her snap.

5. Go back to school. Sometimes I feel as if I have already exhausted this option, but being a student was awesome. Love everything about it. Except the poverty, of course.

6. To the artsy thing. You know, write. Or draw comics. Finish that board game I made. Write game reviews. I have determined that choosing this option would require me to work with someone else, as I simply am not a self starter. Past attempts have resulted in "endeavors" that are really just me playing Resident Evil 4, trying to save that stupid, useless presidents daughter with monkey ears, and getting very little work done.

There. That's pretty much it. Make your choice, and I'll let you know how it works out.

Unwell

2006-10-10T13:28:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm in for it now.

I haven't posted anything for the past while, cause I've been unwell. Been feeling like this on and off for almost 3 weeks now, so this tells me its not going away anytime soon.

We'll see what's up after the blood test.

You know that there are people in the world who almost never get sick? Huh.

A damn fine read.

2006-09-17T14:44:00.000+01:00

I just finished reading "The Curious Incident with the Dog in the Night-time".

A damn fine read, if I do say so myself. And I do.

The protagonist (Christopher) in the book has Asperger's Syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. It basically means that while his cognitive abilities are largely intact (and superior in some cases, such as observation, memory and calculation), social cues and situations remain elusive. This character seeks to discover why a dog was killed in his neighborhood: namely who killed the dog and why.

I think the reason the book is so remarkable is that the motivations and reasoning behind the main character's behaviors are made perfectly clear, and behaviors that might seem strange are largely demistified. In fact, as I reached the end of the book, I found the main character to be oddly lucid, while the remaining "normal" characters seem unpredictable, strange and even menacing.

It's an amazing insight into high-functioning autsim, which is a disorder that is often misunderstood by many; myself included. Indeed, people with this disorder seem to be truly differently-abled, and should be met with respect and admiration rather than pity.

I can't decide if this is really lame... or really cool

2006-09-04T20:16:00.000+01:00

Nah, it's really, really cool.

Yes, as you should be aware, I do engage in an activity that involves both pen and paper, and dice that may have more (or less) than six sides. I have a regular group now, yet sometimes, I'm hesitant to mention anything about our exploits. Yet, after all is said and done, I've never considered wearing homemade armour, and brandishing foam weapons.

Perhaps I'll reconsider.

Update: Ahh Family guy shows us what role-playing is all about.

Abstinence is funny

2006-08-24T22:50:00.000+01:00

Got this gem off of Feministing.com, a good blog, by my measure.

Just a few comments.

The girl on the left... doesn't seem to keen on the whole "abstaining" thing.

The 11 year old boy on the right - probably shouldn't be discussing his sex life with his little sister.

The rest of the site is here.

Fun Fact: Abstinence has a 26% failure rate!

I love teh interweb

2006-08-15T19:58:00.000+01:00

Ok, I was going to show you talking kittes on You tube, but it's down right now. Lame.

I've also been tricked into joining Facebook, which I was promised wasn't anything like mySpace. Yeah. I got duped. And how.

The point of places like Facebook, other than to get single people some lovin', seems to be to accumulate a larger number of friends than anyone else. You do that, and you win. And if your single and you do that, you get some lovin', and you probably get to hang out with K-Fed. Or something.

Yeah, I'm not doing so well then.

Speaking of K-Fed, ever want to kick his ass? I know I do!

Tasteless fun.

Update! Talking cats! OMG!

This is the reason video games weren't cool when I was a kid.

2006-08-04T14:56:00.000+01:00

Yeah. Makes me proud.

Anyway, I found this little gem over at 1up, and there's a whole bunch more just like it.

You know, in spite of the fact that gaming has gone mainstream, gamers really don't need any help being uncool. But in the early 90's, that what we had. Lots and lots of help.

So please, check out the shit that I am other gamers had to deal with in the 90's. You'll laugh and cry in equal measure.

BTW, If you were confronted by this guy today, what would you do?

-Kick his ass

-Call the police

-Run like hell

These are pretty much your only options.

Back from Scotland

2006-07-30T12:25:00.000+01:00

Well, I've done it. I've completely assimilated. I've gone native.

My final breaking point happened in Scotland, ironically enough. I cooked myself a full Scottish breakfast !!! (with no fried egg, mind you. I'm not a savage.), and had a craving for.... beans on toast.

I guess you can't really live somewhere for 3 years and not expect them to break you.

So, why the huge delay in between posts? Well, lameness mostly. I've been lame in the digital world as well as the real one too. Haven't been hanging out with friends and co-workers nearly as much as I should. My only saving grace is has been my D&D group, which is, by the way, the best D&D group in the whole world.

But I'm back.

I found Broken Pixels when I should have been doing other, more productive things. It's a formula so simple, it demands to be shamelessly ripped off. Basically, it's 3 guys, drinking beers, playing shitty games and making fun of them. So basically my late teens/early 20's. Not that I don't play games and drink beers, but I only play good games now. Anyway, the Taco Bell story is fucking great.

I have to play this game, if only for the ass smacking.

Gaming is not just for gamers now

2006-06-29T18:46:00.000+01:00

But first, my last comic (or at least until I make more).

For some video game related news, I like to wander over to Game Politics from time to time. They remind me that video games can do more than entertain. They can make political leaders look like asshats.

They can incite debates on racism.

Or they can cause people to make motivational posters.

My favorite:

Oh yeah....

2006-06-19T21:47:00.000+01:00

Now I remember where I put them....

A metaphor for life and suffering.

Die motherfucker!

2006-06-19T21:28:00.000+01:00

I've been in France and Spain for a bit, and I'd like to talk about that trip. I'd also like to post a comic. But neither of those things are going to happen right now as

A) I can't the comic on the computer

B) Nor can I find the pics of our trip on the computer.

So, instead, I'm going to talk about ants. They have found us. They find our slightly opened jars of honey, our bits and pieces of leftover goodness. They loved the leichy SOHO we brought from France. We tried vinegar, and tried yeast with honey. And I had had enough of these hippy ant-cures that don't fucking work.

So I bought a can of RAID. And laid sheet upon sheet of liquid death upon the vile black vermin.

It was sweet.

There is a tale to be told

2006-05-31T18:42:00.000+01:00

I hate going to see movies in the theatre.

But Kirsten wanted to go see X3, so I went. But we had a plan. Because I hate sitting though the ads so much, Kirsten would bring her book and I would bring my DS. Then, when the stupid ads play (like the mandatory lame one that tries to make you feel bad for piracy), we would retreat in a world of our own. A world without ads. Then, when the movie actually started, we could watch the movie. And only the movie.

This was the plan.

So they make us line up for half an hour. We get our seats. Its packed. The ads start. I whip out my DS. The evil can't get to me. All is well until...

*tap* *tap*

"Can you turn that off?" said the movie monkey.

This pissed me off of course. And 2 factors made this worse:

1: I just got through a really shitty part in the game. I have to get through that part again.

2: The game I was playing was advertised in their ad barrage.

So I was resigned to having to watch more ads before my movie. Wonderful. We were 20 minutes in, and still a bunch more stupid ads to come.

Then Kirsten leaned over and said some sweet sweet words to me:

"Do you wanna walk out?" she said.

"Fuck yeah!" I said.

And we did. Apparently the official story was that someone was bothered by the light DS screen put off during the ads. Yup. That was their story. Hmmm...

Yeah. More likely that monkey boy couldn't diffenciate a DS from his own louse-ridden ass and thought it was a camera. And then the lame cover story.

So, I don't I'll be going back. Ever.

Oh yes, and comic.

Update: COMIC!

Mod me baby

2006-05-22T18:43:00.000+01:00

Well, since my computer is up and running, Oblivion rocks again. There have been some spec changes to my puter as well.

+2 fans

Yup, apparently someone thought that a passive heat sink would be enough for my puter's graphics card. Yeah. Right. Bort.

Anyway, I could tell you about how cool Oblivion is, how fun it is to sneak up and shank some unsuspecting chump with an uber nasty poisoned blade. But that not what this post is about.

I mean, the game had been out for what, a couple of months? And there are already tons and tons of mods out there. New Armour? Weapons? Hell, what colour? Saddle bags? Sure why not. And if you are the lonely, lame type, you can even see some titties. That little mod was enough to bump up the games rating in the States to 18. woot.

So with all of these sweet sweet free mods out there, why is Bethesda selling them? Are people buying these? What banana head thought up that business model?

In any event, the modding community for these game is getting so strong that it's starting to affect my decision on whether I'd buy a game or not. Which is, I suppose, what the developers want, eh?

It's scarcely a comic...

2006-05-13T21:13:00.000+01:00

But it's a post at least.

My new puter is fucked. Hence no Oblivion for me for a while until it's fixed. I'm a bit ticked, but I'll be all right. Stupid ATI graphic cards *grumble grumble*.

I also scanned in the rest of my comics! But they are in some weird format, and I can't read the format, so they'll be a while yet.

Two things are keeping me from going nuts right now.

One: My DS, specific Metriod: Hunters. It's fucking awesome, and currently filling the massive wound left by my lack of Oblivion. Can't wait to try it online. Alien Bounty hunters with fucked up powers? Bring it.

Two: E3 Baby! E3! If you've never heard of E3, there's something wrong with you. Hearing about all the cool new games and system brings me hope. Currently, the Starfox for DS and Smash Bros for the Wii are toping my excitement meter (Blight, you called that one). I mean, Solid Snake in a Smash game? Can't wait to get behind that fucking Pikachu and snap his little neck...

Damn you! Your poison has slightly inconvenienced me!

2006-05-01T13:46:00.000+01:00

Well, I got myself a new computer. I'll spare you the details.

Actually, fuck that.

Pentium 4 3.00 Ghz HT
1 GB RAM
250 GB HD
16x DVD R/W
Radion X600 256MB graphics card
15" TFT monitor
Funky blue lights at bottom of case

All for £450 inc VAT. It was a resale from Computer Resale (Cambridge). I'm quite happy, and will definately shop there again when I'm looking for some upgrades. Heck, I'm even saving the environment. Which is good. Cause I like living here.

And I've been playing Oblivion, which is a damn sweet game. I haven't played it all that much yet, but I like what I see. The polt seems to be a generic "you are the chosen one who will save the world, even though you will begin as a un-kept banana-head".

But who really gives a rats ass about plot. Oblivion seems to be more about giving players the freedom to do whatever they feel like. The start of the game gives you a neat little run-through, allowing you to practice the basics of combat, spell casting, and stealth skills. Based on how you play this first bit, the game guesses the kinds of class you want to be. In my case, the game was very close (as there are 27 classes to be, and you can make your own), which I thought was kind of cool.

So, I'm playing a Khajit (think walking, talking, humanoid cat) Assassin, and having a lot of fun brewing up my own poisons and trying em out. Of course, I'm not so good at it yet. I think the best posion I made was little more than a severe diuretic.

There's no shortage of things to do in this game, either. I've barely been following the main quest at all since I've been to busy delving dungeons, protecting farms, fighting bandits, skining wolfs, hunting deer, making friends and dodging traps to notice. You almost have to force yourself to follow the main plotline, simply due to the sheer magnitude of other activities.

So yeah, it's good. Grood even.

Things are coming up Beav

2006-04-27T18:14:00.000+01:00

Well, my new job is treating me well. I'm tooling around in Access and VB, which is nice, cause I'm actually remember a thing or two about it, and in theory, it's where my training lies. I'm slowly becoming the IT golden boy.

In other news, I predicted that Slient Hill (the movie) wasn't going to suck. And apparently, I'm wrong. I'm kind of interested to see what the hell went wrong. Well, I'll wait for Halo? Maybe?

In other news, the original people who made Star Control 1&2 are trying to make a (real) sequel. There's even a petition. So you can sign it, and it may actually be effective, as opposed to buying a 5$ white piece of rubber in an attempt to "end world poverty" when really all you want to do is look like you are "sensitive" so that you can get down and increase your chances of getting some lovin'.

Today's comic is based on an actual event that happened to yours truly. And I'm spent.

Jobs are the new scanners

2006-04-19T18:10:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I have a job now, so I'm not an unemployed bum anymore. I was kind of hoping to drag out this sitting around - acting like a bum think for a bit longer. Hell, I'm even getting a retirement cheque!

So now I'm working the Department of Continuing Education here at Cambridge. It's only been 2 days, but it seems pretty sweet so far. And I don't get treated like a total banana-head. Even though I should. Pays better too.

So sure enough, I'm looking for a sweet computer rig' with all of my bling. That way I can play, um, Planescape in all of its glory. Yupers.

*reeally want Oblivion* *feeling the pain* *why am I denied*

Avoid "Many-as-one"

2006-04-11T15:29:00.000+01:00

What can I really say about this comic? Does it not encompass the trill of victory? The agony of defeat?

Probably not.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been playing Planescape: Torment. Yes, it's old. But it'll be a classic for all time. Some say it's the best RPG out there, and with damn good reason.

Most RPG's really don't feel like you are role-playing at all, at least, not in the conventional sense. Most of the time, you are just a collection of stats and abilities, and you go and vanquish. Which isn't all that bad. It can be fun. But it plays more like a strategy game than anything else.

Planescape is different. And it's only one of a handful of games that make you feel that the character you are playing is "real". Someone with motivations, emotions, and above all, a past. The story is also amazing, which doesn't really hurt either.

Rest in peace, Black Isle. I hardly knew ye.

Here they come. You could have stopped this.

2006-04-10T21:24:00.000+01:00

The UL almost demanded some form of creative outlet. Doodles, scrawls, comics - something had to be created in order to keep one's sanity.

I suppose this comic was made in response to those who would listen in when I would talk about a night out boozing.

"I just can't imagine you drunk." "We should get you drunk!" They'd say.

Do they know of the torrent that would be unleashed? Nay. They knew nothing of the Beav. Hence the comic.

Cameras are the new Scanners

2006-04-06T09:35:00.000+01:00

Well, it's post number 50. I'm no Cibbuano, but that's something.

So anyway, I had big plans for this blog. Big, huge plans. Those plans, however, required a scanner. I managed to score one for free (thanks Mick!), but the device is so ancient that drivers proved impossible to find. None of them seemed to work, and I had to sign up for a number of "services" which will no doubt flood by inbox with porn and Penis Mightier adverts.

But all was not lost. I have a digital camera, and its pretty good. It was a reasonable price too, but then the clerk always tries to sell you "bonus insurance".

"Do you want the extended warranty? You see, we already have a bunch of your money, but we really really like it. So how abouts you give up another 33 pounds!" She probably didn't really say that, but that what I heard.

"No thanks."

"Are you sure? It covers the camera for 3 years!"

"I don't even know where I'm going to be in 3 years."

"Are you sure you don't want it?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

And so on. Annoying, to say the least. But I have a Camera, so I can post stuff like this:

Shelley, my co-worker made this fine piece of art. It was during my WOW binge period, as you have no doubt guessed. I do not have a "I Smell" t-shirt, but I probably should. Turns out there is something about the Library that required it employees to have a creative outlet.

So, did I "create" anything at the UL?

Of course I did.

Not the mack daddy

2006-04-03T16:43:00.000+01:00

It was a crazy week. I left the library. So I had a leaving do on that Friday. And it was fun. And there were hugs and presents, as I was reminded of one the things I'm going to miss most about the Library: the people.

And we go "raging". Which as far as I can figure out, means we go to a dance club, dance and drink until I feel too old to continue. And I did.

So I'm wondering about downtown Cambridge, my mind clouded, ready to go home. On some level I realize that if I spend too much time wondering about, I'm gonna wake up being spooned by a hobo. But I'm hungry. And the van of life is there. I order a chili cheese dog (it sounded like a good idea at the time).

I notice 2 young women exiting a cab, and two young men approach them. The conversation went something like this.

"Hello lay-dies"

"Hi"

"Wheers me hot dog?" That was me.

"So ladies"

"Yes?"

"You interested in partying with a couple of A-Level Cambridge students?"

*long pause*

"Um, no thanks we'll hold out for the PhD students."

"BUAHAHAHAHA!" That was also me. I spilled some chili.

"Um.. you ladies are shrewd."

Only a half-hour to go!!!!

2006-03-31T16:35:00.000+01:00

Until I'm done at the UL. That's omething to talk about.

In Switzerland...

2006-03-18T13:49:00.000Z

Yup, I'm in Switzerland now. Geneva to be specific. Not really sure how I got here or why I'm here. And boy oh boy, typing is super fun on one of these funky keyboards.

I must say, though, I had a wicked fondue. Awesome stuff. I shall be satisfied for months to come.

Quick impressions: Everyone smokes, and everyone is really tiny. The temptation to run amok like an evil giant is always there.

Yeah, other than that, Geneva is pretty mellow. But I'm off to go skiiing in a bit. Alright. I'm going skiboarding. Apparently, some people find that "lame". And if you are one of those people. I have a ball you can lick. Actually, 2 balls. And you lick em' good.

I don't think I need to tell you guys...

2006-03-12T12:07:00.000Z

How sweet these books were.

Oh, I know that they have been long forgotten now-a-days, but back in the mid-8o's, these books were pure geeky goodness. I mean, a choose - yer - own adventure with swords, monsters and nasty ass traps? Bring it on.

Anyway, since I work in a copyright library, these puppies are just sitting on the shelf, waiting to be used.

Anyway, if you are kinda lame like me, give Deathtrap Dungeon 3 a try. It's pretty good, but just to warn you, these books are nasty (assuming you don't cheat). I have yet to beat DD3.

So let me know if you do. I'll give you a prize, or something.

Goodnight sweetheart, it's time to go....

2006-03-03T18:50:00.000Z

First things first. A sequel to Valkyrie Profile? We simple mortals are not worthy. Never heard of Valkyrie Profile? Of course you haven't. It was just one of the most underrated RPGs ever.

Ok, that's all I needed to say on that.

In other news, I'm leaving the University Library. Yup, I'm gone. Why, you ask? Was it the masses of dumb, dumb readers? Was it my forced move to the Periodicals department? To this I simply say... bort.

A change was in the cards, and I think that the time is now. That being said, I've had the privilege of dealing with some grade-A dumb-fucks. One reader ordered a dozen periodicals, I manage to get 11 of them. The last one is on the open shelves, so I tell her exactly where to find it, thinking that it would be good for the reader to find it on her own. She says it's not there. So I have to go, find it, and bring it back. Yup, I tried to fix stupid, and failed.

Or there is the story of the reader who needed some help finding a book. Fine. No problem. I find the book. The reader says he need "psalm 69". So I open the book. It's in Arabic. This may come as shock to some, but I can't read Arabic. I tell the reader this. "I just need psalm 69". Yup, can't find it. And, unless I'm mistaken, finding stuff in books is your job, not mine. Wasted a good hour on this one. Lesson learned: never help anyone. With anything.

But my personal favorite was from a fellow co-worker. A higher-up, if you will. I get a message that some periodicals have been left out... And I have just been told that bad-mouthing higher-ups is bad news. I love everyone. Hugs all around. Censorship is grand. We simple people need control. I like kitties.

I'm going out on a limb here...

2006-02-25T20:29:00.001Z

and am going to say that the Silent Hill movie won't suck.

How do I know this? Well, I don't. There have been a lot of really shitty movies based on video games in the past. But this one seems different.

But it looks good. The director is good. The music is done by the same artist that did it for the games. And it seems to actually follow the plotline of the orginal game.

So will I go see it? Heeelllllll no. The games were scary enough, thanks.

That week was insane...

2006-02-19T19:14:00.000Z

Oh man. I had a nasty week. I had a dream where one of the readers was giving me flack for one reason or another. I then grabbed this person and flung him out of the room. I felt a little better when I woke up.

So. Webcomics. We all know of the staples, the Penny-Arcades, The PvPs. They combine comic goodness with all things geek. White Ninja is also delightfully absurd, Order of the Stick speaks to my pen and paper gaming roots. Order of the Stick uses D&D in-game terms a lot, and thus should not work as a comic. But it does, strangely. I like Belkar, the little halfling psycho.

Sheldon deserves a mention too, while not a webcomic per se, it does have a talking duck. And that's more than enough these days.

Other than that, I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Catch up on some webcomics, and I'll try to keep it up up up.

I am a dark master

2006-02-12T19:15:00.000Z

I mentioned that I was thinking of starting up a Pen and Paper RPG group a while back. Well, wheels are in motion, and I think I'm going to try to get a group here in Cambridge. Of course, the internet is a great resource for this kinda stuff, as geeks (like me) tend to post useful information on this stuff.

I must admit that I was surprised to find this comic, which really sums up the anti-D&D zeal of Christian fundamentalists in the 80's. Naturally, as an atheist and D&D player, I feel obligated to point out some inaccuracies in the comic:

1. The DM will not invite you to the Satan worshiping dark coven until your cleric reaches 10th level.

2. If your thief character dies due to a trap, you should commit suicide in a manner appropriate to the trap. The girl in the comic should have poisoned herself, as her character died from a poison trap. To hang yourself would be considered "tacky" by most DM's in this situation.

3. People who name their characters "Elfstar" are mocked and then beaten with reeds in the D&D community. Please don't do it.

4. Mind bondage spells are tough for new recruits. Starting out by drawing power from a freshly slaughtered goat. Or brewing up some unholy water.

5. Never trust a preacher with a porn-star moustache.

In any event, I really really support the idea of fundamentalits buying large amounts of books that offend them, and them burning em'. Good stuff.

People you fancy that you know you shouldn't.

2006-02-08T20:15:00.000Z

How many conversations have you heard that go like this?:

Chump #1: You know who's hot? Hot Supermodel.

Chump #2: Really? I like Hot Actress.

Chump #3: Nah, you guys are whack. Hot Tennis Player is the way to go.

I mean, what's the point? Of course you think these people are hot. As they are in fact hot. It's like saying you like pizza. Or beer. Or intercourse.

Now what about finding someone attractive that you really shouldn't? You know someone who isn't a cultural sex symbol. Like Derelict's Mom.

My guilty secret: I think the Supernanny, Jo Frost, is fine.

Is there something wrong with me? Probably. But hey, I think she's got class, compasion, and she's not going to put up with any shit. And she's got that posh English accent that makes me kinda funny.

So who are you sweet on that you shouldn't be? Eh? EH?

And don't you judge me. Don't you dare fucking judge me!!!!

Unless you are Derelict. Then you can judge me.

I envy the dead.

2006-02-01T20:09:00.000Z

I'm sick.

Um, I mean unwell. Not - you know - into weird stuff or anything.

Yup, off for 2 weeks and now I'm missing work due to illness. Back in Canada they hang you for that, but it's ok here.

PS: Thanks Dad!

Pedometer!

2006-01-30T18:55:00.000Z

I walk a lot. I walked 13000 steps during my working day. According to this site, that puts me into the "highly active" category.

I've never thought of myself as highly active, but hey, there you are. I think I'm allowed to have another vice.

Chain Smoking?
Orgy Parties?
Monkey Knife-Fights?

It's wide open.

Jet lag sucks

2006-01-30T12:55:00.000Z

So I'm back at work. Been up since 3 am. Couldn't sleep. 2 gallons of coffee and I'm still on the border of Slumberland.

I haven't posted for a while, as I have been country hopping over the past couple of weeks. Ever notice that when you have a blog, and don't post for a while, people start whining? And those people usually don't have blogs? Do they know of the pain we bloggers go through? How every post takes a bit of our soul away, how we hold our lives out to be scrutinized by any would-be blog surfer?

Sort of like Big Brother in a way. No Kinga (NSFW) though. Uggghhhhh. *shudder*

So I guess it could be worse.

Are video games violent enough?

2006-01-18T23:15:00.000Z

Have I finally lost it?

Kirsten sent me an email a while ago, and I've been brooding on it.

"I just finished watching a show by a former field
journalist about the Iraq war. He was talking about how they're only allowed to show people shooting - not people being hit, not people suffering, and not people greiving. He then played Battlefield 1942 with some teenagers and pointed out how it's the same take - you never actually die or anything (his argument is that current leaders and people don't know how much war sucks and evidently don't realize that we shouldn't take part in wars like Iraq, etc)

Anyway, I was thinking, if people are now also complaining that games aren't gory enough, then doesn't that say something good about Manhunt? After all, at least it is honest about how blugeoning someone hurts them..."

I think Kirsten's got a real point here. Not too surprising, since I'm pretty sure my wife is smarter than I am. And more attractive. And smells better. And is physicaly stronger. But I'm getting off track.

I've been looking at the potential effects of violence in videogames for some time now. Videogames are my hobby, and I love em', and if they were causing any harm, I'd want to know about it. So I read some books (I do work at a library), and looked at some studies.

Conceptually, there seems like their could be a causal link. Little Jimmy plays a game where he shoots some people, and then thinks it's a good idea to get Daddy's gun and cap the mailman.

The problem with this arguement is that it is just wrong. Studies can't find a causal link between violent games and violent behaviour. They can't even find a correlation most of the time. I have a theory about this, and it has to do with context.

When little Jimmy plays said violent game, he could just as easily come to the conclusion that violence is not cool. Sure, it's interesting or exciting in a game context; but he's really happy this isn't happening to him.

"But more violence in games? Come on, right?"

I think that as video games are coming into their own as an artisitic medium, they need to start treating their themes seriously. If little Jimmy was to play your typical war based FPS, he might think that war was bloodless and glorious, and that death in war was painless and quick. Now, I've never been in a war, nor do I wish to be in one, but I think that a little more blood and guts in a war game may get the "war sucks" message across.

I found this article , which I think sums up my thoughts quite nicely.

PS: if I was going a bit on the extreeme, I might mention Animal Crossing for the DS. I know it's a kiddy game, but I owe Nook 120,000 bells. This comic may be a bit harsh, but you know that bugger should be coming by my place every day, asking "Where's my goddam mo-nay!!!!!". Sort of a "welcome to the real world" lesson for kids.

Well, I made it.

2006-01-13T22:14:00.000Z

Yup, in Canada now. Wasn't the best flight ever. Someone yaked during the flight, and beacuse I'm Mr. Super-Lucky pants, they were all of 2 seats away from me. The smell was not pleasant, but fortuately my sence of smell is crap, so I survived somehow.

It didn't take me long to get sick of the election here in Canada either. Ugh. Democracy sure is fun, isn't it? Had one of those super fun ultra-long debates with someone that ends in a draw and has no point, cause you both have made up your minds already on who you are going to vote for? Me too.

I have devised a test of sorts, which saves me from wasting time debating with people who really have no clue what they are talking about. Let's call it "the Beaver test".

Random Person: "Hey Beav! Who are you voting for?"

Beav: "um... I was thinking of voting for Joe Schabadoo."

Random Person: "Really? Why? I hear that Joe powers his car with the screams of orphaned children. You'd be much better off voting for Jimmy Whatshisnuts. He's great, and if he gets into power, we'll all have hovercars and live on the moon.

So this where you use the test. Ask the person to advocate for the opposite position that they are trying to push. If they can do it without being sarcastic, or useing obviously flawed arguements, then chance are they at least informed enough on the issue to have a decent debate with. Otherwise, you are just wasting your time.

Besides, it's fun to watch someone advocate for something that they don't believe. It's zany.

The salvation of the PC game

2006-01-06T12:55:00.000Z

You may have recalled at one time I was upset with a certain Sid Meier for making a buggy game. After a patch or 3, the game is now functioning, but not at what I might say "peak efficiency".

Sorry.

Before I continue, this post will be about video games. If that doesn't ring your gong, then this picture is for you.

It's a monkey! With glasses! Zany!

Anyway, Civ 4 "runs" on my computer now, just not all that well. I can't the the wildlife on the main map, Some rulers have no eyelids. My laptop doesn't seem to be comfortable with the game either. In protest, it usually blasts my genitals with a blast of searing air.

Jade, one of my co-workers, told me a sad tale of computer related woe when her new game, Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 , refused to run. PestilentDoom told of problems with Knights Of the Old Republic 2, a game that I have never managed to get working properly. PC games just don't seem to work nowadays.

And yet, I found hope. I found a sweet site full of games I'd never heard of. Weird Worlds? Oasis? Democracy? Never heard of em. And yet now, I speak of these titles with pride.

The reason I had never heard of these titles was because these are all indy games. That's right. There's no greedy developer, no evil, costly IP to deal with. Just a small group of people and labours of love. And before I found GameTunnel, I had no knowledge of their existance.

Don't get me wrong, these are still some very nice looking games with some really nice gameplay. But they work! And they are cheap! And fun! And did I mention they work?

So if you like PC games at all, give some of the indy games a look. You'll be glad you did. And maybe - just maybe, the days of buggy, overpriced games will come to an end.

Why do we put up with this crap?

2006-01-03T13:15:00.000Z

Must say, this new year is feeling a lot like the old year. No hovercars yet.

Went to see the new Harry Potter movie. In the theater. And yes, the theater-going experience hasn't improved at all. You get to sit through 30 minutes of ads, then another 30 minutes of previews for other movies that you don't really want to see. But the time the movie starts, you want to go home.

My favorite part is the part when the ads start, they try to give you some heartfelt message about how we shouldn't pirate movies. That's bad, and it would hurt their feelings. But after they bend you over for almost an hour as a member of their captive audience, you feel like grabbing a camcorder and pirating their fucking brains out.

It would be nice if this massive ad-gank make the movie free, but they charge more than ever now. So I'm going to go back to Canada for a while and destroy the motion-picture industry. They had it coming. It's a tall order, but hey - I've been putting this off for a while now.

PS: The movie was pretty good, once it got started. Needed some vampires though. Maybe some vampyres too.

Colossal Holidays

2005-12-28T16:47:00.000Z

Yes, its been good lately. My lewt has consisted of an Oilers pullover, a Team Canada Hockey jersey, chocolates, comfy socks, Timmies Coffee (always nice over here), scotch and a fair amount of money.

And Shadow of the Colossus for the PS2.

So thanks everyone. You rock.

I'm gonna talk about the game for a bit. Cause it's different. Really different. And I'm a bit of a geek too.

The sense of scale in this game is unreal. See the little guy on the statue's sword? That's you.

So take a game like Prince of Persia, where you are doing a lot of jumping, climbing, shimmying and fighting. Now in this game, you are doing all that on something that is moving. Something that isn't all that happy to have you jumping, climbing, shimmying and fighting all over it. It's a crazy concept, and you'll be spending a lot of time hanging on to the thing as it tries to shake you off. There have been a couple of humorous comics made on the subject of this game as well.

All in all, great stuff though.

Oh yes, and 2 tries and a walkthrough later, I managed to defeat the Ur-Quan in Star Control 2.
Happy days.

Bring me back to life...

2005-12-21T15:29:00.000Z

This post will be about video games. I'm sorry. If you don't like video games, or are just here to post about your odd sexual preferences, please consider this picture.

They're ducks! At a pool! How delightfully absurd.

Are you still with me?

Good.

Some video game genres need to go. It's for the good of everyone.

1: World War 2 First Person Shooters. We've already had enough. Please. No more. Medal of Honor, Call of Duty, Brothers in Arms, Day of Defeat, Battlefield 1942, Return to Castle Wolfenstein were all very nice games, I'm sure. But no more. If you don't make any more, I'll be your friend.

2: Grand Theft Auto "me too" games. Yes, The GTA series are also good games. Time to move on. No, I'm not interested in your GTA clone. Yes, I'm sure the main characters a badass. And has a gun. And drives cars, some of which aren't his. Hurting...

3: Real Time Strategy. Needs more of a cutback than an outright stoppage. But there have been so freakin many of these coming out lately I just can't even keep up. I love this genre. I really do. But with so many games flying by, a Warcraft 2 or a Total Annihilation might pass me by, and I won't have played it. It keeps me up at night.

Ok, so now we have some free "space" on the new games shelf, right?

So, some stuff that needs to come back:

1: Adventure Games. Indigo Prophecy and the fan-made King's Quest are a good start. But we need more. More more more. Honorable mention to Peasant's Quest as well. But more.

2: "4X games". You know, the old eXplore, eXpand... you know. Master Of Orion 2 and such. But not MOO3. Oh man. If you even mention that game, squirrels will eat your liver.

And I have to go to tea now.

So things have to turn around, right?

2005-12-15T18:03:00.000Z

Looking back at my last few posts, I realize that things have been a bit rough of late. Things weren't going according to plan. I was not a happy kitty, or um, beaver.

For the most part, I enjoy my job at the UL. The readers up in the Manuscripts are nice, they ask reasonable questions. But the past week, I wasn't able to shrug off the assholes, or even the dicks. Kirsten wasn't back yet, and my Star Control 2 game was looking hopeless.

But things were about to get better.

I was walking (staggering) home last Saturday, and I saw a cat. A black cat. The cat and I hung out for a while, and he fell asleep on my lap. And I knew that things were going to get better.

I managed to ditch my late duties for the next 2 weeks. Evil readers won that round.

Kirsten came back! Back to me! She still hasn't finished the plans for the self-replicating nanobots, but hey, baby steps. When it's ready, we can punish humanity together. Awww...

I went for a pub lunch with some of the people in Manuscripts. I'm glad I did. I don't get a chance to hang out with the archivists at where I work, and it's nice to know they are real people, who like beer, and get pissed off at things like the rest of us. One of them (Peter) even bought me a pint for locating a wayward manuscript that we thought had vanished.

I love the concept of a pub lunch. Down a couple of pints, then go back to work. Makes the day a lot more interesting.

And to cap things off, the scanner broke in the Entrance Hall. I don't know how. Maybe it was a angry reader. Maybe an angry member of staff. I like to think that our collective hatred for the stupid thing formed a "hate ball", or ball of arcane hate, which then sundered the foul thing in a mighty blast.

I would also like to think that these powers would work on other stupid things, like Bush. But I think we are just making him angry and stupid (bandwidth intensive). And maybe scared (also bandwidth intensive).

Despite all my rage...

2005-12-10T13:29:00.000Z

I'm still just a rat in a cage?

Nah, that's not right. Rats can be phearsome. People might look at a rat in a cage and say "Wow, look at that rat's rage. Good thing it's in a cage. That's not like my rage at all.

Nope, my rage is more like a papillion in a cage. You know kind of cute and tiny, and you know if it ever got out, the worst it would do is bark a bit, and wee on your shoe. So people would say "Awww, look at that papillion's rage. He thinks he's so tough. You're so tough. Yes you are."

But why to I have the rage? Well, they fixed the scanner in the entrance hall. So now instead of simply checking their books, I now have to ask them to scan their cards as well. No big deal, right?

Well, unfortunately it is. The problem comes on two fronts. First is the asking, as asking someone to scan their card in this country seems to be on about on par as asking them if you could go have rough sex with their mom and post the pictures on the Internet.

Second is the reader themselves. The scanning of the card is difficult partly because the scanner is crap and the readers have no idea how it works. I've seen readers scan their card with the barcode on the wrong side. I've seen them put their entire bag on the scanner, thinking that the narrow beam of light is going to find that card in there somehow. "My card won't scan" is a common one, and usually solved by my taking the card, flicking my wrist, and having the card scan instantly.

Therefore, I choose to supply this guide, on "How to scan your reader's card - the Asshole way"

1: After taking out your books, put your reader's card in the deepest darkest crevice in your pants for maximum inconvenience factor.

2: Attempt to walk out the gate. Ignore the exit control guy's instructions.

3: When the gate doesn't open, hold up what you are carrying and dry-hump the gate a few times. When this gets dull, listen to the exit control guys comments "Could you scan your card?" . Wait until he's said this about 5 or 6 times before approaching the scanner.

4: Roll your eyes, sigh and proceed to stack your books around the scanner. Reach for the readers card you just put away in some random location. Sigh a lot, and make sure you stand in front of the scanner so that other readers who have their cards out can't scan their cards or get out. They'll appreciate it. Try and drag out this step as long as possible.

5. Once you have found your card, throw it on the scanner. Give the exit controller a chumpy look when it doesn't scan.

6. Ignore the exit controller when he shows you how to scan your card. This is too much work and will deprive you of the pleasure of going through this all over again.

7. Leave, but make a snide or snarky comment. After all, the exit controller clearly is a big wig, and it surely was his idea to put the stupid card scanner there. Besides, he's probably having too good a day as is, and has no human emotions.

8. Go home, bang hot wife/mistress. Drink martinis and complain about 6 figure salaries, lack of reliability in Porches, and the assholes at the UL.

Yeah, I really don't like working the entrance hall very much.

It's all out now...

2005-12-07T19:16:00.000Z

Someone is fucking with me...

Now I'm a atheist. I don't believe in "a God" or several "Gods". But sometimes my life takes turns that are just a bit too ironic. Now, if someone is pulling strings, they have a bit of a fucked up sense of humor.

I was about to write a post about how I felt really really old. I left our Churchill guest night early, and still was beat the next day. I didn't finish the post because it was kinda lame. To sum up, I felt much older than my 27 years on this planet would account for.

So I go grocery shopping. And in this country, like every civilized country in the world, they don't make you go into a separate store to buy booze. It's right there. So I buy some beer, as beer is good here, and I happen to like to drink it from time to time.

I get ID'd. (Drinking age here is 18 in the UK)

I get fucking ID'd.

Nothing quite says "You look like a little bitch" quite like getting ID'd when you are 27 years old. And have a wedding ring. And credit cards. And a few grey hairs. And the person asking this looks barely 18 themselves.

So I feel about 40, and apparently look like a 16 year old. Yeah.

I think we know what I need. Facial hair. If that fails, Menacing scar.

On a positive note, I got my dongle, so I can play my DS online! My friend code is 373722 872641.

I had an epic nap.

2005-12-06T21:34:00.000Z

People are getting angry...

2005-12-04T18:22:00.000Z

I work late at the entrance hall every Thursday. It's usually a piece of piss, or cake, depending on where you are from. Of course, if someone is going to put on a big ol' pair of the cranky-pants, that's where it's gonna be.

I have seen books and change being thrown. I have seen people refuse to pay late fees. I have seen people ask the stupidest questions. And each time, I bit my tongue, and worked on my blank blank stare.

But people are getting crankier this time of year, no doubt due to the holiday season. So when someone was getting ticked off that he couldn't take out more books until he paid his late fees, he was getting pissy. "I can't believe you are making such a big deal out of this!"

I wasn't dealing with him at the time, but my co-worker was, and his blank stare wasn't working. But two blank stares were better than one, so I tried mine.

He took a step back, but was still unfazed. "Can I talk to someone in charge, like a supervisor?" Yes, that was his big mistake. For he was stubborn, for some reason thinking that we would lend him more books when he wouldn't pay for the ones he had. But we were stubborn as well, and while my stare is good, it paled in comparison to one who had years of practice.

Our supervisors blank stare hit him like a concussion wave, and he troubled us no more. I think he managed to get some money off some of the other readers to pay his fine. He staggered out, weakend by the sight of the eternal void.

Phear the library.

Um... what was the downside again?

2005-12-01T13:16:00.000Z

So I'm talking to some people about a staff trip.

"It's 9 pounds, and we go shopping for the whole day." They say.

"Yeah, but I have to work..." I reply.

"No, you can go on the trip and have the day off work."

"Don't I have to book the time off?" I'm a bit confused at this point.

"Um, no. You just go."

"So I just go, have the day off work, go shopping, and I don't even have to book it as leave?"

"That's right."

"Ah. Any reason why I wouldn't want to go?" I ask.

"No, not really."

So that was my day last Tuesday. A staff day where we all run off, go Christmas shopping, eat food, drink beers and generally have a good time instead of working. I love the English work ethic. Back in Canada they'd laugh at you if you suggested something like this, and then beat you with reeds for your insolence.

Therein lies my dilemma. I really like it at the UL, and the perks are great, the people are great, and yet I feel I should be doing more. But I also have a desire to keep a death grip on a desk here, as I have had experience with some really shitty jobs on the past, working for some of the biggest dickheads on this side of the universe.

On this trip I happened to find out that a number of co-workers are in possesion of a DS, and that they have been playing online for a little while now. This was enough to get me to order a dongle so that I can play online. I'm a bit disapointed that Lik-Sang didn't have it, as they seem to have everything for consoles, and I have them to thank for getting my PS2 up and running over here. But out of stock on the dongles. Huh.

I'm a bit tired today, cause I spent all evening playing Melee on Star Control 2 with Colin up in our MCR bar. We were on duty, but the people were understanding.

"Can I get a beer?"

"Sweet Mother of Shit! Can't you see we're busy here!? I'm trying to take out a Chmmr Avatar with a Pkunk Fury! Do you know how hard that is? Do you?! HUH?!"

"I'll come back later."

Kirsten got on a plane, and went far far away...

2005-11-28T11:17:00.000Z

Disclaimer: The little girl (?) on this plane is not Kirsten.

Yeah, she's gone. Gone to Boston for now, then touring around visiting family and what not. She's gone for 2 weeks, and I'm left here, alone, while she gets to discuss interesting research stuff about making little bits of metal and making littler dents in them.

"So, what are you going to do now that you are a bachelor for 2 weeks?" I get asked.

This question throws me. Do people think that I'm some adventurer/playboy that is just held back by the cruel shackles of matrimony? Then, now that Kirsten's gone, my days will be filled with hang-gliding and monkey knife-fights and my nights with sexy parties and nakked twister?

"Uhh....." I reply.

"You are going to play video games, aren't you." They say.

"Yes." I reply.

"In the dark." This is usually said with a hint of pity.

"...... Yes."

But what games they are!!! Paper Mario for the Cube just keeps getting better and better. I love everything about this game. I also thought that the game might be a bit, you know, easy - but it's been getting quite challenging of late. There's a lot of depth there too.

And Mario Kart DS. There's no Wi-Fi network in the UK... yet. A bit disappointing, but the game is so damn good that I'll forgive them. Besides, I'll need the practice before playing Blight.

My final devourer of time can be blamed on Cibbunano. He's been on a bit of a retrogaming kick of late, and has reminded us all of the good times that were had in the 80's and 90's with our primitive but heartwarming games. Now I'm fairly up to speed on recent and not so recent gaming events. But they remade Star Control 2? And I was not informed? And it's even better than I remember? Awesome. Death to the Ur-Quan. Humanity will not be enslaved.

PestilentDoom is composing a literary masterpiece, a fairy tale of epic scope, telling the tale of a young boy and his adventures in a frightening library. Of course, many of the tales are based on true stories, so I'm not sure if it's really a fairy-tale. But still, great stuff.

Kittens as snipers. Effective, but can they be trusted?

Pantomime!

2005-11-24T23:37:00.000Z

I saw my first Pantomime yesterday. It was an experience to say the least.

Some of you might be saying: "Good show, Beaver!" , or "I don't give a bloody toss, Beaver!". You would mostly be British.

The rest of you are probably saying: "What the fuck is a pantomime?" And well, I'm about to tell you.

Before I went to see the Footlights, I didn't even know this was going to be a pantomime. The Cambridge Footlights deserve a mention of their own, as they are a comedy troupe that spawned such wonders as John Cleese and most of Monty Python, as well as the more recent Sasha Baron Cohen (Ali G). We even have a collection of their stuff in the Manuscripts department at the UL. You could see it, if you wanted, but if you don't have a reader's ticket, you're out the door, bitch.

Anyway, the play was Spartacus, the Pantomime. And to give you an idea of what was in store, look at the picture. It shows the "stock" characters. The left most character is Cleopatra (the Dame), played my a large man that has a bit of stubble. The middle is Spartacus (the hero), played by a woman. The right, is Crassus (the villain), who is a man actually playing a man, but you get to boo and hiss at him.

Kinda weird right? Well, it gets weirder. Since I was in front, Marc Anthony gave a nice little gyrating dance on stage that was clearly for me. Everyone was laughing their collective asses off, and my face was beat red. I tried to hide, but it just made things worse. I mean, I was flattered, and maybe a little curious, but I'm married and the answer was still no. Yeah, it was great.

Anyway, there a bit of Paper Mario that need playin' . So BYE!

Holy Shit!

2005-11-24T23:18:00.000Z

And I almost forgot! My sister in law had a BABBBBY! Of course, I don't have pictures, so I can't show you. *ahem*

Did I mention that when I say anything about babies I get into trouble? It's true!

The ones you love can hurt you the most...

2005-11-21T14:26:00.000Z

Why Sid? Why?

I have made a few comments in the past about my loss of faith in PC gaming. It's expensive to keep up with, the games are buggy, concoles are way cheaper ... blah blah blah. Fact is, all of that didn't matter when Civ 4 came out. I was going to buy it. Civilization is different. And I've been there throughout the ages, and have played every one of em. And I loved em all.

So I went to the Game store with a pocket full of sunshine, eager to get the next great Sid Meier masterpiece. I held the box like a newborn babe. It looked good. It smelled good (anyone else notice that new-game smell?). It felt good. Kirsten could even detect the "moment".

"Are you getting that? I thought you were fed up with PC... oh never mind. It's Sid Meier." Big points for Kirsten.

I installed the game with glee, and began thumbing through the massive manual (which is always a good sign for strategy games) . And then I tried to play it.

There was a lack of graphics. No, the graphics weren't bad. There were no graphics. Or at least mostly no graphics. Units were suspended in fields of darkness. Sid Meier himself (he gives a turorial) was reduced to a pair of floating glasses and teeth. It was kinda errie, and really annoying because graphics are kind of handy to figure out what is going on.

But no problem right? I'm a computer guy. I've dealt with worse. I update my graphic drivers. Nothing. I go onto the forums, and find out a whole bunch of people are having the same problem. And they are pissed off. And so am I. But I try more of their suggestions. Rolling back the graphic driver. Unpacking compressed art files. Still nothing, nothing, nothing. But there's a patch coming soon, don't you worry!

Once again, I'm convinced that PC gaming just sucks dirty donkey dicks. It's didn't use to be like this. PC Games would just work. Now they use gamers as beta testers. Even Sid Meier. Who had a lot of my love. And broke my heart. I might give him another change, just cause its him, but I would like a working game before I hand over my bling.

So I took the game back, after wasting a good couple of hours trying to get it to work. I got Paper Mario for my Cube' instead. And it worked. And it's fun. And it has made me happy, and warmed my soul with good gaming glee. I like the little mushroom girl, Goombella. She goes to Goom university. Just so you know.

*hugs his GameCube*

On a more general note, something strange happend at work today. I was in the lift, and a reader got in.

"What floor would you like?" I asked.

"One." She replies.

I glance up, and am confused, because the "1" is lit up on the floor indicator.

"Um, we are on the first floor..."

"I know." She replies.

So, for good measure, I press the "1" button on the elevator door. The elevator doesn't move, as we are already on that floor. But hey, why create a scene if you don't have to?

I then get off at the ground floor, and leave the reader to go back up to the first floor. I hope it was a fun ride. We all need a little excitement now and then, don't we?

Just not as smart as I look...

2005-11-17T21:41:00.000Z

Allow me to continue my earlier story.

So I go to work. And do worky stuff. And I feel like shit. Then the readers started to come. And there were questions.

"I have an odd inquiry"

"Ok" I say... wary of course.

"I'm curious about a Chinese Oracle bone" says the reader.

"Ooookkkay...." I say. At this point, I give him my blank stare. I've been working on my blank stare for quite some time now, and I'm quite proud of it. Your blank stare makes or breaks your library career. It should have said "I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. Why are you even asking me this?".

Unfortunately, the reader read my stare as "Please continue, for I have studied boneography for several years at Trinity-Dublin. I have several boneographs in my pants." "It's from the Cheng Dynasty period", continues the reader.

"You want to see my bone?" I asked.

"Well yes. I mean no. I want a picture of your bone. For a friend. He's an anthropologist. He's been in contact with your imaging department and has been tying to get a picture of your bone for some time."

Yeah. It didn't get any better from then on. Another reader: "Gees. I'm trying to remember a translators name. You know the guy: translated Hebrew to English in the 19th century..." and gave me a look like I was just ready to pop out the answer.

I asked myself, what made these people think I'm Mr. Genius all of a sudden? But it's obvious. I'm behind a desk. In the Manuscripts department. In the University Library. In Cambridge. So I look smart. But I'm not. At least not that smart.

Fortunately, at work, none of my other attributes are misjudged.

"Kevin? I have a little job for you." says Godfrey (my supervisor).

"Yes?"

"I need these boxes of books moved. They're fairly heav-"

*Godfrey looks at Kevin's spindly little arms*

"Never mind. I'll get Shelley to do it."

You know what is needed here? Character sheets. That's right: that shit us geeks were up to when our parents thought we were playing slap and tickle up in the tree-house. But really, we were playing role-playing games. And we had character sheets.

So picture this: we have character sheets for ourselves. People can then gauge our abilities accordingly, and all will be well. For example, consider my earlier example:

"I'm curious about a Chinese Oracle -"

*Kevin hands him his character sheet*

*The reader reads the sheet*

"Says here you're a Level 1 Bookmonkey. And you don't have the boneography skill?! Well, you're pretty useless then. And look at those stats - Oh God! Look at that piss poor Strength and Wisdom! Listen, um... If I was you... I'd roll up a new character. Just my two pence."

And balance is restored.

On a side note: Pulp Fiction in 30 Seconds! Once again, performed by bunnies.

Days where you shouldn't get out of bed...

2005-11-15T22:03:00.000Z

Yeah, a bit of a crazy day today... Let's start from the beginning.

In all fairness, my day sucked before I even got out of bed. I had a nightmare. First some reference though.

I generally have fairly messed up dreams. This is fine. I've grown used to it. In fact, some of my nightmares were getting a bit boring. Ohhh here we go again. The nightmare where I'm stuck in a never-ending house and can't get out. OOhhh what's behind this door? Something fucked up, no doubt. Wow, a mirror. And I've got blood on my face. Better wash it off! OH NOS! I washed it off with more blood! How pedestrian. (most people agree by this point that my dreams are messed up, and that I play too much Silent Hill).

No doubt that the part of my brain that hates me caught wind of this. "Hmmm, Kevin's nightmares are getting a bit dull. Now he's due for a really shitty day today and I want to really fuck him up. So let's get to work people!". And I gotta hand it to my brain, it came up with a doosy.

Snake-worms that cover the floor so thick, so you can't help stepping on them. Signs that lead to other signs that lead to nowhere. And dogs. Lots and lots of vicious dogs. I'm a bit wary of dogs, but of course, my brain would know that. Ohh and the kicker: it all takes place in Heathrow Airport. And there's noone there.

And then I woke up to both my and Kirsten's alarm. I still can't figure out Kirsten's alarm for the life of me, so it woke me up every 10 minutes. I should have thrown it and my alarm out the window, and declared that "Kevin's not available for the day, try again tomorrow" and gone back to bed. But I didn't. And I went to work instead.

On a lighter note I found this: The Shining in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

And that's all for today folks. I'll continue this tomorrow. For some reason, I'm tired.

Is this cheating? How about this? Ok, THIS is cheating, right?

2005-11-12T14:50:00.000Z

Once, a long long time ago, I studied Psychology. I would get up, drink a coffee, go to class, and try to find out what makes people tick. At the end of the day, I was usually more confused than when I started. In fact, I think I learned just enough to find out that I don't have a fucking clue what the hell is going on. But I did learn a few cool terms and a lot of neo-Freudian insults.

Recently I fell victim to the False consensus effect, and wound up getting into an intriguing discussion about what is cheating. Now, I consider myself a fairly straight-laced (I do work in a library), faithful guy, not prone to do anything too crazy. But then, I also thought that hand holding was a perfectly innocent thing to do. More specifically, a man and a woman who were friends but not in a "relationship" could walk along, holding hands, and that would be ok.

Well, if you think there's something wrong with the above statement, you aren't alone. Apparently, in the wisdom of mob psychology, holding hands is definitely NOT ok, devoid of an appropriate context. You know, something like your friend is in a pit of poisonous snakes, and you reach out to pull her out, grabbing her hand only to get her out of the pit, upon which you will immediately discontinue this hand holding offence once she is safe. You will then proceed to wash your hands.

Seriously people, I'm just not getting this one. We shake hands, we hold hands when we are dancing, rock climbing - what am I missing here? Are these guys in trouble? Are these guys secretly engaged in a hot, steamy, love affair?

I found this test, so maybe you can help me out here. I scored a 10, making me apparently completely devoid of jealous feelings. Of course, that's bullshit, but my point is that people seem to be so phobic of infidelity that showing anger and rage in rather innocent situations is becoming okay. Like hand holding.

Anyway, my personal belief is that fear of something bad happening has the nasty habit of making that fear come true. And that's my Deep Thought for the day.

/rant

By the way, if there are any MCR/work people (or anyone else for that matter) out there - you know - lurking, feel free to jump in here and tell me what you think. It'll make me feel popular.

:D

Movies and other things that devour my time...

2005-11-08T12:29:00.000Z

I've been taking a couple of days off work. It's been nice. It's also nice that I get 39 days of vacation with my job (the British are a lot saner about their work ethic). Of course, I'm supposed to be using this time sorting some stuff out, but have been playing flash games and eating lemon tarts instead.

Kirsten and I have a DVD rental service where we get 4 DVDs a month, as the local Blockbuster is shit. We've been seeing a lot of movies that we wouldn't ordinaily see, like Isao Takahata's Grave of the Fireflies (of Princess Monoke and Sprited Away fame). Probably the saddest movie I have ever seen, if you watch this and don't cry, you have no soul.

I've also been checking out Cowboy Bebop (the movie and series), which is very cool, especially if you are looking for an animation movie that won't reduce you to a convulsing, tearful mass which proclaims "Joy is dead! All that remains is pain!". Instead, it's a delightful romp though a gritty, "edge of the law" sci-fi universe. Great stuff. Doesn't hurt that Faye's a bit of a babe either (you know - for a cartoon). And she kicks ass. Oh Faye... Faye.

Also on honorable mention is the sadly underrated Firefly series, which for some reason never made it past on series. Again, an edgy, lawless sci-fi with more than one passing resemblance to Cowboy Bebop. And yet another series that went the way of the dodo. Do we really deserve good TV anymore?

Ok, back to work. *grabs his DS*

Ahh... booze

2005-11-03T13:34:00.000Z

There's something magical about a gin and tonic. Gin's kinda gross, and tonic water isn't all that pleasant. But mixed together, they form a drink that can cause one to forget even the most horrendous of days.

Since I'm on the topic, I've been really craving a Caesar of late. Can't get one over here. Not even a crude approximation. Mention it to a Brit and you will get a confused look. Tell a Brit what's in one, and that look quickly changes to one of disgust. Heathens.

Been playing Advance Wars: Dual Strike, and can now safely say it's awesome. The new units are fun, and the Tag team CO powers are unstoppable. It plays a neat little diddy when you invoke the awesome power of the Tag Power, and Kirsten has seen me rocking to it on more than one occasion. Great stuff.

Anyway, having a much better day today. Unlike yesterday, where reader after reader spooned me in what ended in a massive chain-gank. I was left twiching.

My day sucked so....

2005-11-02T17:43:00.000Z

I had a shitty day. And I lost my post. And I had a nightmare. More on this later when I'm done my gin and tonic.

ARGAGHGHAG!!!!

The prodgial rodent returns

2005-10-28T13:06:00.000+01:00

Normally I don't mention anything to do with nature. Mother nature and I have a Non-Agression pact, and I'm not eager to break it. Basicly, I stay in cities, away from anything that resembles wilderness, and she doesn't send swarms of insects, crazy dive bombing birds or anything else her twisted mind has come up with after me.

But I feel in this case it's appropriate, since it does have to do with my namesake. Yup, beavers are being re-introduced to England, 500 years after they were hunted to extinction for ... and get this... "its fur and the pain-relieving properties of its anal gland secretions" Yeah!

I had a shitty day yesterday, so I went out and got me a new DS game. Advance Wars: Dual Strike is a lot like its predecesor, with is a good thing. Of course, I haven't had too much time to play it, see any of the new units and such - so a full review will have to wait.

Other than that, I managed to find Derelict's real blog site... and it's been replaced my a pac-man game for the time being... oh never mind. It's back now. The Pac-man game was kinda fun though.

All good things must come too an end

2005-10-23T21:24:00.000+01:00

Well, I finished Resident Evil 4. Of course, just the main game, I haven't delved into any of the additional content, and it looks like there's quite a bit.

All in all, an amazing game from start to finish. My only disappointment is well... Ashley. At first I thought she was only 14, so I forgave her uselessness and blamed it on teenage awkwardness. Later, I found out she's supposed to be 20! For fucks sake, grab a gat and cover me! I'm not expecting much, just cap the occasional baddie for me. Man, Heather from Silent Hill 3 was only 17 and she was nasty with a sub-machine gun. Didn't have some pretty boy super agent watching her back either.

Of course, complaining about this game is like beating up a leprechaun, stealing his pot of gold, and then complaining you have leprechaun snot on your knuckles. It's still pretty sweet.

On an even geekier note, I've been looking at a very geeky boardgame: Descent: Journeys in the Dark. Looks like an updated Hero's Quest, which I can say was very very sweet. Played it a lot, and made a few of my own quests too.

Yeah, all I need are people geeky enough to play it with me. And the game itself, of course.

You may be asking: "Kevin, how to you know when you've gone too far with the geek stuff? Where's the line?"

And I would say, right here.

This post is not about video games... Promise

2005-10-16T14:26:00.000+01:00

It's been a crazy week, so Kirsten and I are off to see Jimmy Carr today. He's a comedian, in case you've never heard of him; he has British deadpan humor down to a fine art. Some of his jokes are a bit edgy, and that kind of why I like them. After all, if you aren't a little bit offended, it's not really funny.

Apparently he's not a bad driver either.

Found an amusing site last night - FunnyJunk. Basiclly a collection of all those amusing email pictures, movies and other crap that flood your inbox.

Kitty Sniper and Destroyer of Worlds are must sees though.

Cracked like an egg...

2005-10-13T19:26:00.000+01:00

Didn't take long did it? Of course, anyone who knows me knew this would happen. Yes, I picked up a DS and Nintendogs. I am now the proud owner of Pokey, a Chihuahua puppy who doesn't listen to me.

Think is, it didn't take much to convince Kirsten that this was a wise purchase. Kinda sad really, because I had a whole number of reasons why we should get it: Her mom's a dog breeder, it's good for the kidneys etc. I even was going to mention how I went to the store, and was looking at getting the Nintendogs package. The attractive female store clerk was asking me if I wanted to pick it up. I said that I would have to check with my wife first. She then mentions that SHE wouldn't have any trouble with me buying it, and licks her lips and winks at me. Yeah, most of that was made up. I did go to a store though.

Oh my god is this game sweet

2005-10-11T18:18:00.000+01:00

Yeah. It's good. It's really fucking good. I could sing my praise of this game all day and night. It's a good reason to get a 'Cube, if you don't have one already. Fuck yeah.

I see that Blight got himself a DS, so I'm jealous. Can't decide if I'm going to crack like and egg and get one out of pure spite, or wait until they come out with some new-fangled DS like they did with the Gameboy Advance. Well, I'll pretty much have to get on if they ever come out with Nintencats. Pet the kitty. Rub its belly. Awwww....

Ok, I'm going to go learn Mandarin right now. Bye.

Things found in fields.

2005-10-07T18:48:00.000+01:00

Did you lose one of these? Did ya? Really? You are sure? Nah, you are a lying sack of shit. But I did find one of these suckas just lying in a field, waiting to be picked up and spent. Booyeah!

And spend it I did! Got myself lunch, some veggies, fresh olives, and Resident Evil 4 for my Gamecube. Yeah, 20 pounds didn't quite cover it, but I took it as a good omen from the gaming gods. Played it a bit so far, and I like what I see.

Blight has been bugging me like hell to try Battle for Wesnoth, so I will. Got a bit of free time coming up, although I do have to set up our PS2 (and maybe my gamecube) for the new students and play video games with them. Yeah, not such a bad deal - play some games, drink some beers, and I get good boy points for doing it too.

Oh yeah, almost forgot! My animation! I think you'll agree it answers a lot of questions about life, love, death and meaning.

Freshers week

2005-10-04T18:23:00.000+01:00

Oi, Freshers week is in full swing here at Cambridge. This means hoards and hoards of new students. The "beaver game" went over quite well at the hostel crawl. The BBQ, a couple of days later, was fucking insane. Guess you offer free food to people and they will come in droves.

Photocopied some stuff today that upon closer inspection was a bunch of secret messages from the WW1 era. All classified stuff, and one reader informed me that had to shoot myself for reading it. Yeah, not all that funny now that I think about it. Did I mention it was a really boring day?

I have to mention my masterpiece over at Flipbook though. Of course, the site is down now, so you'll have to wait to see my amazing, life changing animation.

Ok, so yeah, this was kind of a lame post then. Geez, why do you put up with this shit?

Now if only they were all this cheap...

2005-10-01T10:29:00.000+01:00

Kirsten sent me this story - looks cool. A sub-100$ laptop that is supposed to be for the developing world. It's supposed to be tough, and even has a hand crank in case there is no power supply. Pretty cool. Now anyone across the world can hand me my ass at Urban Dead.

Anyway, I've got to get ready for our annual hostel crawl. Yup, new students drink lots, go from flat to flat, and I torment them with fiendish riddles when they arrive at our flat. My game is called "The Beaver Game". It's evil in a box.

Stupid Flu

2005-09-29T16:35:00.000+01:00

I'm finally over this stupid flu, which has proceeded to kick my ass for the past week or so. Who's to blame? Society, for not ridding us of this scourge long ago? Myself, for drink too much on occasion and thus weakening my immune system? The flu itself? Nay.

Lets blame... Microsoft. Yes, that'll do.

Now that I have my powers back, I have to help deal with the torrent of new students arriving at Churchill College. For some reason I was given some responsibility over my fellow students. Yes, as Married Students Rep, my powers are rivaled only by some gods. You know, like Zeus and Ares, although I'm pretty sure I could take Pan. Little flute playing punk.

We're super cool

2005-09-26T18:24:00.000+01:00

Warren and yours truly waiting to bust out in some DDR action. Got some pride on the line, so I'm nervous. Later, I will be tired.

Yeah, I had a really cool and witty post - but for some reason this stupid blog software lost it. And now I'm grumpy. And sick.

He's Coming!

2005-09-20T19:06:00.000+01:00

Just a quick update to mention that Wah-ren (aka Warren , Blight and other things) is coming to Cambridge! Desprite to hide all the blow-up dolls and pron before he arrives.

Holy shit

2005-09-16T17:33:00.000+01:00

http://cube.gamespy.com/articles/651/651283p1.html

I've seen it. I still don't believe it.

At first I was saying "what the fuck is this? It's a goddam remote!". I did not see the genius. I did not see the power. I did not see how my life was going to be transformed - how my gaming could change forever.

I think that Nintendo's new controller could be a bagillion times better than the best thing ever created in the history of mankind.

Ok, maybe a bit too far. Still, I'm excited. A hell of a lot more excited then when Microsoft announced its X-Box 360 with its marginally improved graphics and flacid launch titles. I'm eager to hack and slash at my TV, maybe to hold two of these bad boys John Woo style and smoke someone at an FPS. Oh man.... Oh it's gonna be so good.... *drools*

Loathing!

2005-09-13T18:15:00.000+01:00

Been playing Kingdom of Loathing. It's great. I'm AttackBeaver, currently a level 3 Seal Clubber (rank of "Puffin Intimidator"), who is recovering from a massive goofball addiction. He also has a pet mosquito. Yup, in this day and age, with the age of 3-D uber graphics and sound, and I'm spending my time playing a game with stick people. And loving it.

In the interest of this seeming like a real blog, I have to mention the yoghurt incident. One might simply be sitting around, enjoying a "fruit in the corner yoghurt" and not realize that yoghurt can fight back. At the end the the melee, my trousers, backpack and shoes were covered in the vile, white goo. Fortunately, I was cowered in my yoghurt "Fortress of solitude", so no one saw the incident.

And yeah, that was my exciting day.

2005-09-09T20:10:00.000+01:00

This was me drinking Pimms and Lemonade at a cricket match. We now post this picture at Churchill College to instill the proper amount of fear to freshers. Scary, but not as scary as Labrynth. David Bowie. Tight pants. I don't think I need to say any more.

The weekend is here!

2005-09-09T17:59:00.000+01:00

It rained. My feet hurt. I made this blog. Yeah.